I'm putting together a brand new website. It will basically be an integration of my blog and my other website only better organized. I have already imported all my entries and eventually I will delete my blog here and move fully to the other site. I've decided it's just too much work and hassle to maintain the sites separately. I'm also thinking of starting a forum but we'll see how things go on the new site. As always, I'm sticking with an ultra discreet template. Any comments and suggestions, are always welcome.

Back again, again.

So it feels like it's been forever! My internet conked out AGAIN and I didn't get it back until this past friday. Hopefully this is the last time I have to write a "back again" post. Geez. Anyway, I checked my stats counter and I have over 1000 hits so far, yay! Anyway, I'm contemplating making a new version of the {secretlystarving} website on a new host. If I did, would it be worth paying for better hosting??

Back.

I’ve been away for a very long while. Mostly due to the fact that my internet hasn’t been working and I just got it fixed. I’m ashamed to say that during that time of being away I got totally off track but I’m ready to get back on. My first day back being yesterday, I checked my email to find a message from a concerned woman who apparently thought that by telling my how “wrong” ana is, she would totally rehabilitate me and save my soul. I must admit I tried to respond very neutrally but in the end I think my response sounded rather sharp. This woman, said to have stumbled upon my site accidentally, indicated quite clearly through her trite and misguided statements that she had barely the faintest idea of what she was talking about. Had she known what she was talking about, she may have gotten a “thank you for you concern, have a nice day.” not a full blow mockery of her self-righteous, “I’m-gonna-save-a-life-today” plea. I guess though, what’s really sad is that she must of thought I was going to email her back saying “Oh, thank you! You’ve made me see the error of my ways. I’m going to turn over a new leaf and go eat a sandwich! You have saved my life!” Are you fucking serious? Bitch, the only thing you’ve accomplished is giving me something to write about.

Anyway, that’s my little vent. I have to do some more content uploading to the other site. Apparently it has done quite well while I was away and I got tons of positive responses and comments so thanks to everyone for that! And REMEMBER: for every person who gives you a disgusted look and says “Fuck, go eat a sandwich!”, there is a fellow ana who understands you.

Love,

Zoe

Two.

Today is day two of my fast. I had to start late due to some complications but I’m well on my way now. I joined a forum, which you can check out here. I think I will really like it there, as the goals of the creator seem to be to create a tight-knit community for friends and support, which is what I hope to get out of a form experience. I also joined a wetpaint wiki but I’m not sure I’ll stay very long, too much drama. Too bad really because there is a wealth of info on there but really no room for contribution. Anywho, I was really worried last night that I might break my fast because my mom prepared my favorite pasta but I prevailed and I’m still working hard! I work the rest of the week until Saturday so I won’t have much time to think about food. I always do better when there are lots of distractions or I am busy.

Do the Math

I’m off to a good start today 1/2 cup dry cornpops (60cals), 3 glasses of water, 1 cup green tea. Something really useful I’ve learned is that, depending on the circumstances, it is NEVER too late too spit out your food. Just because it’s in your mouth doesn’t mean you have to swallow it.  A good philosophy for holidays like Valentine’s Day and Easter. Something else for everyday to keep in mind as well: You can cut servings in half, it makes a difference.  Invest in some measuring cups, if you haven’t already, or if possible by one of those little food weighing scales. This is the best way to ensure that you know how much food you’re eating. I have tons of measuring cups at home because my mom used to own a bakery and I make good use of them, carefully measuring out everything. After all, what good is it to know the calories in something if you’re unsure of how much you’re eating? Not knowing causes more anxiety than knowing. Spending the rest of the day wondering if you ate a 500cal serving or a 200cal serving of noodles is stressful(Why would you be eating noodles anyway?) and when it comes to calculations, you can’t just guess. Weight loss is math in disguise.

I had a little bit of a happy moment today. I had a dress hanging up in my closet that I bought for a special occasion in September, only wore it once and when I did it was pretty tight on me. I tried it on today and it nearly slid off me, it was so baggy! I hadn’t even realized the difference until I put on the dress. I looked like a worm in a windsock. Needless to say, I did a happy dance. It’s small victories like this that motivate me further. Working hard pays off for sure and I’m going to keep going!

V-Day

Valentine’s day is over with for another year, and now the only sweet or food oriented holiday isn’t until April (Easter). I received some chocolate this year, which currently resides in the garbage. Extra kudos to me because they were the good kind. Now my dilemma is that last week, in a moment of panic, I purged in the waist basket in my room and it leaked through the bag and now my it’s starting to smell like fermenting fruit (weird). I’m home in the morning though so I’ll clean it out then while everyone is out. Today I ate a small apple and a 1/2 cup of plain cheerios without milk, I really didn’t drink enough water though. I gotta watch that because I’m working again so I’ll become more easily dehydrated. I’m starting a water fast on Thursday! I’m going for a five day this time around but I’m a little concerned because I’m pretty active at my new job and I don’t wanna pass out. The last thing I need is suspicious co-workers. If I get too tired, I’ll switch to juice but I’m going to try hard to go on just water. After I’m done fasting and have eased my way back onto solid food, I want to try the Russian Gymnast diet. Basically it goes as follows:

Breakfast:
Glass of either orange or apple juice
Lunch:
Fruit Salad (made off kiwi fruit, orange, pineapple, and peeled apples)
Glass of fruit juice (from one of the above fruits)
Dinner:
Glass of non carbonated water*
Green apple
Anyone on this diet for 5-7 days can loose between 4 lbs-11 lbs
*non carbonated means non fizzy, so like normal water.

Living at home with my family might make this one a little difficult to follow but if I can fast at home, I can do this too!

New Website!!!

I made a big decision today. I decided I want to write more personally in my blog. I noticed my blog was quickly becoming impersonal and more research and resource centered so I decided to start a separate website, {secretlystarving}. I got most of the framework in place today and now I’m just trying to sort through my content and what not. My main goal is to basically make an pro-ana library of sorts. I want to have all the best info on one site which is easily navigable and aesthetically pleasing while supporting already existing pro-ana websites. Furthermore, there is an area on the home page for links to other ana blogs and websites. If you would like to have your link displayed, please email me and I can put it up. This will be my contribution to the pro-ana community and it will allow me to focus on personal stuff in my blog. I am also looking for content submissions and ideas so if you have any, I would love to hear from you!

Some of the categories include: Diets, Fasting, Exercise, Secrecy, Foods & Nutritional info, Distractions. If you have any suggestions for topics you may email those as well. Also, I would prefer any content submissions to be in a word document attached to the email rather than just in the body of the email itself and be sure to put ana or something in the subject line so I don’t think it’s spam. I guess that’s it for now, I’m off to work more on the new site!

Love,

Zoe

Bracelets, anyone?

I just went through my kitchen and got rid of a whole bunch of food. In case I never mentioned it, I live with my mom so I need to create the illusion of food being eaten. Lately I’ve been shoving food in the empty food packages of stuff my family has eaten (e.g. Empty cracker boxes, cereal boxes, chip bags.) so I don’t have to worry about hiding food in my room. It works awesome because the food just goes in the regular trash. Another little trick I’ve picked up is double bagging the garbage can in my room. When I throw out say, a plate of spaghetti, I dump it in the first bag and then put the other one with my regular trash on top. When it’s time to take out the trash, I scoop it up and tie the bags like they were one bag and throw them out. I’m also thinking of making a bunch of red pro ana bracelets and selling them on etsy. I’m artsy so I like to do things like that. I dunno, though. Would anybody buy them? Also I’m wondering how many people wear the red bracelets as I have never seen anyone in my area with one and I myself do not wear one.

Tools of the Trade

I thought I would be writing about BMR today but I changed my mind. Instead I want to talk about different tools and resources (besides pro-ana websites) available on the internet. I have some links to share that I use and I think they will be useful to you too!

http://www.bmi-calculator.net/ - BMI, BMR, Body Fat Calculators. This site even gives you the formulas if you feel like figuring stuff out on your own. Definitely the best calculators I’ve seen, plus they’re all on one website!

Traineo – Free weight loss and fitness website lets you track your weight loss and set goals for specific dates. Displays your progress in a graph, tells you how many pounds total you have lost and automatically displays your bmi value! You can even log the amount of exercise and food. I highly recommend this, it's a great tool to keep you on track.

Livstrong.com/TheDailyPlate – Another fitness tracking site. Basic membership is free with the option of upgrading to a paid subscription. Livestrong.com and TheDailyPlate used to be two seperate sites but they are now joined. You can search TDP database for the caloric and nutritional content on almost ANY food, super handy if you ask me. The site lets you track all the food you eat and how much exercise you do. You can set caloric goals and as you track your food intake, it will tell you how many calories you have left before you exceed your goal. The only downside to this one is that you have to pay to track your weight loss BUT you can still do it through the Livestrong “Dares”. This option is not as nice as the log on Traineo so I use the two sites together.

Those are what I use and I love them. Tracking your progress regularly can really give you that extra burst of motivation. I am, however, trying to get out of the habit of weighing myself everyday. It’s kind of a compulsion for me.

On other personal updates, I’m fasting again. Today is day one and I know I probably shouldn’t fast as much as I do but I feel so anxious when I’m not fasting, that eating can be torture. When I eat, I scream on the inside so I avoid it. I am living proof that anorexia can affect many different types. I consider myself to be very logical, and as demonstrated, scientific and analytical so it seems hard for some to believe that someone like me would have an ED. Sometimes things are about how you feel and chaos just isn’t logical but when you find something that works to control your life, you grab onto it and you never let go. Have I thought of recovering yet? Nope. Will I ever? Maybe. But I’m not ready yet and if you can’t do it for yourself, then you probably can’t do it at all. When I’m ready to do it for me, then I’ll do it. As it stands right now, nobody knows so I don’t stand to lose by continuing. There are some people who I imagine are suspicious, but I’ve taken extra care around those people.

I’d like to start a network of pro-ana blogs if anybody is interested, maybe swap links. One of my big goals with this blog is to reach out a little bit. I’m not really part of any pro-ana forums because I haven’t found any that I feel I could really fit into and I’m a little bit shy. Writing on my own is kind of my way to ease into the community and hopefully make some friends. I am always looking for ana friends as I have none right now. Drop me an email sometime at zoeprks@gmail.com, I’d really like to talk.

Love,

Zoe

To the Non-Exerciser

Today was the first full day off my fast. I lost 10lbs in a week. I’m hoping I can do the same this week. The key is not to binge after coming off your fast, which can be hard to do but it is worth it. That’s the key. I have a few things I say to myself when I’m really hungry and think I may be tempted to eat. My most effective one is “Sacrifice what you want right now for the thing you really want most.” You have to learn to look at the big picture. Eating now will not help you be thin in the long run. If you eat now, you’ll only have to eat again later. Starve now, lose weight. Which sounds more worth it? Today I ate a bowl of cheerios in soy milk, two glasses of apple juice, and ate a couple unseasoned rice cakes. That’s about 400 calories. Then I worked out for 2hrs straight and burned 1000 calories.  Basically today was a –600 calorie day. This is a great way to keep your metabolism up. Your body will have to spare more muscle in the long run, but your metabolism stays up for times like when you fast. I always exercise really hard on days when I eat more that 200 cals because A. I feel guilty and feel I have binged even though I haven’t. B. I am terrified of gaining weight. Anyway, I realize some people hate exercise, hell there are days when even I don’t feel like it, so I decided to put together some suggestions for the non-exerciser. (This is quickly turning into an ana-fitness blog)

Immersive Gaming

Non-exerciser, I’d like you to meet DDR (Dance Dance Revolution). The hit arcade game has actually developed into a series and the games have  features such as Workout Mode. In workout mode you can actually keep track of how many calories you burn and in DDR Super Nova 1 and 2, you can actually set goals for how many calories you want to burn. You don’t even have to go to the mall or arcade to play as it is available for most home systems including PS2, Xbox, Xbox 360 and the Wii. This is a great aerobic alternative if you don’t like the gym. Then there’s the Wii. Studies have shown that use of the Wii can improve fitness levels and the system is actually being implemented in the Phys. Ed programs in some schools because of it’s ability to get children more interested in physical activity. Wii sports offers a number of different sport simulations for the play including boxing, tennis and baseball. Studies conducted report that depending on the effort the player exerts while playing, the simulation can actually have the same benefit as the real thing. For instance, boxing burns around 500cals/hr. When the player maximizes the effort in their motions, they can burn the same amount only from the comfort of their home! The only downside to this one is that the game doesn’t track calories burned like DDR.

What if you don’t own a gaming console? Maybe buying one isn’t even an option. These ones are for you!

The “Air Gym”

The cheapest gym membership ever belong to the Air Gym, similar to the Air Guitar it has many benefits besides being cheap. You don’t need a treadmill to go walking or jogging obviously. I actually have a 45min loop that I do. Put together an good music playlist for your MP3 player (maybe of your favorite thinspo songs), put on a pair of comfortable shoes and go. The first week you might go around once, the second week you might go around twice. It’s up to you. Maybe you walk  and then gradually work up to jogging until eventually you can jog the whole way. Even speed walking can have a great benefit! Just don’t push yourself too hard or you’ll hate it and probably won’t be able to motivate yourself enough to do it again.

Push-ups never hurt anyone. When you do a push-up, you’re actually lifting 70% of you’re own body weight. Say you weigh 97lbs, you’re still pressing 68lbs! Maybe you “hate” push-ups. Do wall push-ups instead. Do a push-up against the wall with your body at an angle so there is a little bit of resistance. You don’t get as great an effect but it’s an awesome alternative to start with if you have no upper body strength. In the same category are crunches, sit-ups etc. All can be done in the privacy of your home and are free. Make sure you have a set number of reps to do. Even if it’s only 5 to start, you can always work up to more. I think it is far better to start off small and realize you could do better, than to aim too high and feel like a failure.  I found an awesome article on a bodyweight exercise routine. If you hate exercising in public or hate the gym for other reasons, this is a must read. http://strengthtraining.suite101.com/article.cfm/bodyweight_exercises_to_do_at_home

(Note: Unlike a lot of pro-ana sites, I encourage muscle maintenance. Some people in the pro-ana community think that muscle will keep you from looking your thinnest. I’m not talking about bulking up here, you want to maintain muscle because it’s muscle that burns fat. When you lose your muscle, you go into starvation mode and you won’t lose anymore weight and you actually increase your chances of death. Just something to think about. )

So that’s all for now. As always, I hope this was helpful.

Up Next: The BMR and You

Love,

Zoe

Meditation vs. Distraction

Sometimes the key to being strong and maintaining control is not to distract ourselves from hunger but rather to clear our minds of other things. I find meditation to be really effective in relieving stress and well as taking my mind off hunger. At the very least if you’ve found to be unsuccessful in meditation, you killed fifteen minutes which you might have spent binging like a pig. Here’s a really easy breathing meditation technique that I use.

Breathing Meditation

The first stage of meditation is to stop distractions and make our mind clearer and more lucid. This can be accomplished by practicing a simple breathing meditation. We choose a quiet place to meditate and sit in a comfortable position. We can sit in the traditional cross-legged posture or in any other position that is comfortable. If we wish, we can sit in a chair. The most important thing is to keep our back straight to prevent our mind from becoming sluggish or sleepy.

We sit with our eyes partially closed and turn our attention to our breathing. We breathe naturally, preferably through the nostrils, without attempting to control our breath, and we try to become aware of the sensation of the breath as it enters and leaves the nostrils. This sensation is our object of meditation. We should try to concentrate on it to the exclusion of everything else.

At first, our mind will be very busy, and we might even feel that the meditation is making our mind busier; but in reality we are just becoming more aware of how busy our mind actually is. There will be a great temptation to follow the different thoughts as they arise, but we should resist this and remain focused single-pointedly on the sensation of the breath. If we discover that our mind has wandered and is following our thoughts, we should immediately return it to the breath. We should repeat this as many times as necessary until the mind settles on the breath.

(http://www.how-to-meditate.org/breathing-meditations.htm/)

There are many different meditations that you can do. Here are some links with different variations and techniques to try. Remember, everyone is different so you should try to find what works best for you.

• http://www.freemeditations.com/
• http://www.ananda.org/meditation/technique.html
• http://www.meditationiseasy.com/mCorner/techniques/index.htm

Love,

Zoe

Fasting: What I know, do’s and don’ts

I thought since I was on a fast I might as well write about it! I’ve always been a firm believer that when it comes to your health, do your research before you try anything. The same is even more true for something like fasting. I really want to share that info not only so that people can be safer, but also more effective fasters. Knowing the why and how is just as important as the what so I’m going to start off with the science behind fasting. It’s important to know how your body works to avoid doing serious damage so please, bear with me.

Most people have been mislead to believe that things like dieting and fasting can ruin your metabolism and that your body will start eating itself almost as soon as it realizes it’s hungry. WRONG! If that were true, we’d lose muscle all the time from silly things like forgetting breakfast. The body is not as fragile as we think and with a little knowledge, there is almost nothing it can’t handle within reason. The ideal length for fast is 1 – 3 days during which time you can expect to lose about 1lb per day, maybe more.

During the first 12 – 15 hours, your liver will supply glucose to the body through a process called glycogenolysis. Glucose is like a special little battery pack your body uses for an extra boost before it resorts to burning fat stores. After all the glucose is used up, your body uses a process called gluconeo-genesis to produce the energy needed. Gluconeo-genesis works by converting some of the amino acids in the body to energy, followed by an increase in nitrogen excretion in the urine. This is when lipolysis, or the breakdown of fat tissue, begins. As time goes on, your body will rely more on fat stores and less on amino acids. Light-headedness, dizziness, and slight fatigue may occur at this time.

Eventually your body starts running on a substance known as ketones, which are detectable in a urine exam. Glucose will be very limited. Muscle protein will also be catabolized, as your body has mostly been running on fat tissue for fuel. Should you continue your fast more than several days, you will see a drop in your metabolism of 10-20%, and weight loss will slow to about 3/4 of a pound. 20% of the weight lost will now be muscle. Losing muscle can lower your BMR, which is not conducive to weight loss. Plus, if you gain the weight back your body composition will be altered and you’ll look fatter than you did before! To explain, essentially you got rid of 10lbs of muscle and replaced it with 10lbs of fat. This is why I recommend only 1 –3 day fasts. You may find sometimes that the feelings of hunger disappear after 2-3 days. This does not mean you have somehow overcome the need for food and should fast forever! This is simply your body’s way of protecting you from insanity!

Zoe’s Fasting Tips

Avoid exercise! This may seem like a foolish recommendation but it’s not. During physical exertion your body will look for the best source of energy. If your body thinks it’s starving which do you think it will pick, fat or muscle? If you picked muscle, you’re right. Protein offers more energy than fat so if you’re going to fast, step off the treadmill for a bit.

Don’t eat a big meal the night before you fast. Your body will hold on to these calories longer. Also, you will not be having regular bowl movements so you do not want a lot of waste sitting in the colon. This can cause inflammation and bacterial infections.

Drink lots of water. Hydration will help detoxify your body while you fast and will also help prevent the breakdown of vital tissues.

Take antacids to neutralize stomach acids. Sometimes the body will respond to starvation by releasing stomach acids and you could get some serious heart burn or acid reflux. Tums or Rolaids are your friends, plus they have extra calcium!

That’s it! I hope this was helpful and informative. Good luck and happy fasting!

p.s. feel free to email me with questions.

Love,

Zoe

one.

Well this is my first post so I’d like to take the time to explain a few things. This blog is kind of a time killer for me but also an outlet. Any negative comments will be deleted because they are not only hurtful to the author but also to other readers who may identify with me. Yes, this blog is centered around a pro-ana lifestyle so if you are offended or may find this triggering, you should probably stop reading and leave right now. The font is small for extra discretion as some people have to be extra careful and large font can be annoying for someone who is trying to surf in a public spot. Feel free to email me with questions, but I do not by any means “teach” people how to be anorexic or how to be a better anorexic. I will from time to time post some tips but I do not accept any responsibility for how people use them. So…

Some things about me…I’m 19, I’m into comic books and horror movies, I like piercings and tattoos and I love art! Right now I’m on a water fast, two days and counting!  I’ll be trying to get a collection of links together hopefully soon and I hope to gather a fairly large readership. This is only the first post so just be patient and bear with me, more is on the way!

Love,

Zoe